Remembering Them

I work in the death care industry.  I know, it doesn't sound pleasurable at all.  And some days, boy can it be tough.

I began working at a local monument company five years ago.  I absolutely love helping people.  When I first considered this position, I hardly hesitated about being sure if I could handle it.  I knew it would involve working closely with families and helping them choose and design a fitting memorial for their loved one.  I also knew that it would sometimes involve great heartache.

Great heartache.

But I also knew that God was putting me in a new challenge.  He knows my heart and put me right where he wanted.

Not every day is spent with families.  I also manage the office, so most days are spent in paperwork.

Often, I get older people who have lost their spouse as the customer. Most women will both sadly and proudly proclaim how long they were married.  Sixty and seventy years!  Mrs. H was just in yesterday and was a few weeks shy of her fifty-nineth anniversary.  Tears welled in her eyes as she told me that he was buried on her birthday. At those moments I fight the urge to climb over the table, grab ahold of them and hug them until, well forever.

The older men who have lost their wives are terribly sad.  They are like lost puppy dogs.  You can see their grief clearly on their face.  They will tell me about the void in their lives.  I've wanted to adopt many of them as my grandpa.

Lots of adult children come in to get a memorial for their parents.  Mom liked gardening, dad liked the outdoors.  Mom would've really like the pink granite.  Dad would never want to spend this kind of money. And we find something fitting for them.

I love hearing stories of the older generations.  Stories of escaping their birth country, time spent in one of the wars, raising a large family with little to nothing.  How they met.  Where they were married.  What they did for a living.  A lot of times, they stop and say, "Oh, I am probably boring you with all this..." and I gently tell them to please go on.  I am a good listener.

When all of the families I've just described leave, they are relieved to have it taken care, tell me how easy I made the process and even show a little excitement to see the memorial, which we set in the cemetery within a few months or so.

Its when parents come in who have lost a child that tears my heart out.

Tears my heart out.

I want to bolt out the door.

My heart beats a little harder. I have to remind myself to remain calm and professional, as much as possible.

I've shared a few tears with them.

Last fall I had a young couple who came in to purchase a small single heart marker for their sweet baby boy who was stillborn at full term.  He died on September 30th.  At the time, Josh and Krista were expecting little Jacob and their due date was that very same date.  I could hardly focus.  I ended up designing something very precious for them.  I was very troubled the rest of the day.  I didn't speak of it at all to anyone.

A few years ago, parents of a ten year old boy that they had just lost came in.  Alec was close to that age and I wanted to leave and get him from school.  Wrap my arms around him.  Because I could and they could not. I still remember that they had "Love Ya Bud" put on his marker.  It was so difficult to type those words on the design program.   I left with an extremely heavy heart that day.

This spring, we have been working with a mother whose eighteen year old son was killed in an automobile accident last fall.  His birthday was one year and three days after Matthew's.  Yesterday I called her in to have her view the proof of what we had designed for her son's marker.  A simple, but absolutely beautiful black slanted marker with his picture lasered on it, along with his name and dates in a beautiful script.  It truly is beautiful.  But I dreaded pulling it out of the file and passing it across the table when she came in.

She is a mother of four and he was her baby.

I choke back tears even as I write this.

She immediately gasped, had tears well up in her eyes and then exclaimed, "Oh, I love it!"

I gave her a minute to take it in and then we spoke for a few minutes on the horrible, terrifying tragedy of a mother losing her child.

We spoke on the joys of raising our children and never wanting to let them go.  That a mother should never have to experience that horrid pain of losing one of their precious children.

I thought about her all day after she left and again this morning.  As she lays her head on her pillow at night and as her eyes open in the morning, I am certain her baby boy is the last and first thing that she thinks about.

As we celebrate being a mother this Mother's Day, please take a moment and pray for Sandy and all of the mothers who will be suffering the reminder of one child missing at their table.

And hug your children even tighter today.

Wearing the Title Proudly "Gramma"

Since this is my first post in nearly three years, I thought I would, of course, write on the joys of being a new Gramma.

Starting when I was a little girl, playing "house" with my baby dolls, I have always loved the idea of being a mother. Loved, loved, loved babies. When I was twelve, my Aunt had her fourth child, Jeremy John. They lived next door to us and all of us girls fought over that baby. When I was old enough, I eagerly passed out fliers, announcing that I was now available to babysit. I'll admit, before having a boyfriend (ahem....John Walls), and spending hours on the phone, I devoted all of my attention to whomever I was watching. I adored a little girl, who was 13 months old when I first starting babysitting for her and her brother. Karen was the picture of cuteness. I would dress her up and play photography studio with her. I still have those pictures today.

Fast forward to Stacy becoming an aunt to the twins. I remember going over to her house and having so much fun holding babies. When my cousin Traci got married and had her first baby, John and I had been dating for a couple of years. I could NOT wait to follow in Traci's footsteps. While all of my friends went away to college, I dreamed of motherhood.

I was twenty one when Joshua John was born. I loved being a mom! Had so much fun with our firstborn. You all know the rest of the story. Then came Matthew Jacob, the fiesty one, Rachel Lynn, our little princess and Alec Michael, our surprise baby.  I had secretly wanted to round out our family with a fourth child and was excited to bring our third son into the world.  I had my hands full. Of love. Oh, some craziness too. But I wouldn't change a single thing. Best memories, raising those four children.

You think that the time will last forever. Or at least a lot longer than it actually does.

And then I blinked.

We now have only two children living at home, both in high school. Rachel will be a senior next year. Alec. Well, let's just say we will have the biggest celebration when that kid graduates. And that is a big WHEN.

Matthew ripped my heart out moved out about six weeks ago and is now beginning the process of following in his brother's footsteps and getting his own home at the tender age of almost twenty.

Josh has been married for almost two years and he and Krista had our first grandchild, Jacob Michael, almost eight months ago.

When they announced that they were expecting, John and I flew over the moon.  More than several times.  As we have aged spent our lives together, his heart has become more like mine when it comes to babies.  Especially in the anticipated arrival of our very own grandchild.  John stated more than once, "No one is going to love that baby more than me."  I beg to differ pal.

I will never forget the experience of being with Krista during her labor.  To say I am blessed is an understatement.  She is such a wonderful daughter in law.  I stepped outside the delivery room when she got closer to actually having him.  And waited.  I was about to become a Gramma!  Any. Second.

John was stuck at work, so I stood outside the door by myself.  With a ton of emotion.  Excitement.  Anticipation.  My cellphone was blowing up with text messages.  Everyone wanted an update.  I could hear the commotion inside the delivery room.  I knew it was getting closer.

And then I heard his cry.  That familiar newborn cry.  He sounded exactly like I remember Josh sounding.  I burst into tears.

After a few minutes, Krista's mother Diane came out to get me.  When I walked into the room, it was the picture of...I can't even describe it.  To see Krista holding my grandson, with Josh's arms wrapped around her and the baby, I was full of emotion.  And then Krista says to me, "He looks just like Josh!"  I almost dropped to the floor.

The past seven and a half months have been extremely joyous.   I have the privilege of working only part-time and spend most of my days off loving and mauling  on little Jacob.  Its truly a time I cherish so much.

When a Gramma looks at her grandchild, she looks through the new set of the most amazing eyes that God has fitted for her.  With love, adoration, pleasure and joy.  It is simply amazing to be a Gramma.

And when little Mr. Jakie Jake can finally say those words (whether its Gramma, Gigi, Goo-Goo or Ga-Ga...), I will once again melt and love him more.  If that's possible.

Random

*this was originally posted June 2009* Summer is here.
Kids have been out of school for a week.
Nice to sleep in.
No more homework.
John & Matt are out in the wild with Mike.
Won't see them until next Thursday night.
Miss them.
Matt will be seventeen tomorrow.
Happy Birthday Matthew Jacob!
Took the other three kids to Cedar Point last weekend.
Rollercoasters and thrill rides, oh my!
Also stayed in a hotel. With a water park.
Super fun.
Good times spent with Josh, Rachel & Alec.
Josh informed me that his desire right now is to join the Air Force.
I don't like that.
I kept trying to change the subject.
Krista has more pull and said she doesn't like it either. At. All.
There was a mean guy at the water park with his 7 year old daughter.
He yelled and yelled and yelled at her.
For not doing the big water slides.
She was afraid.
He didn't care.
He yelled and yelled and yelled at her.
In public.
I couldn't stand it.
Me and another mother stepped in and tried to help.
Did I mention this guy was scarey looking?
Poor little girl.
I prayed for them.
I had Micah all day today.
Loved every minute.
He is so much fun.
We kept busy with him indoors and out.
Went to the park.
I love it when he holds his arms out to me and says, "hold you".
Sigh.
He has me wrapped around his finger.
Brooke came to stay a few days with Rachel.
They haven't seen each other since New Year's!
Alec had an allergic reaction today.
Pretty severe.
Shook a tree and white stuff flew everywhere.
I'm thinking pollen.
Both eyes swelled hugely.
And he got hives.
We were walking home from the park.
Had to call the neighbor to come get us.
He was getting worse. But could breathe fine, which was good.
Rushed him home and gave him 4 tsp. allergy medicine.
Took a couple of hours for the eyes to look any better.
Poor kid.
He got his trophy from soccer tonight.
They took first place!
My neighbor and her two granddaughters went with us to the park today.
It was nice to talk to her.
Her son passed away three months ago.
I am glad that I invited her to go.
She was too.
I want to swim in our pool.
But the water is too cold still.
Maybe in August?
Time for a heater.
John is seriously thinking about getting one.
When I am at work, I reach for my cell phone to call him.
To see how his day is.
Only he isn't reachable.
I forget that for a quick second.
I hope they are having a wonderful time.
I moved Matt's truck in the driveway today.
He would have a fit if he knew.
It made me smile.
I love that kid. I miss him.
I look forward to hearing about their trip.
Especially since it is Matt's first time.
When I asked Micah today if he wanted to go shoot some more "hoops" with Alec,
He said, "No, I don't want to shoot more poops!"
So funny.
I had to stop the car twice today with him so he could pee on the side of the road.
So funny.
The last time, we were almost to his house and he said he had to go. Bad.
While we were pulling away he says to me, "Don't run over my pee!"
Like I said. Super cute boy.
Alec gets to go to work with me soon to do some work outdoors.
He is very excited about it.
Supposed to be tomorrow.
But it looks pretty promising for rain.
John's cousin Robyn had her second child today.
A little boy.
Her daughter is about six years old.
They live in Las Vegas.
Welcome to the world Vincent.
Tomorrow is Friday.
Another week gone.
The house is quiet.
Except for the tv.
We watch too much.
Two turtles in the road today.
A woman moved them to safety.
She was wild.
In her thoughts.
She is a neighbor's mother.
First time I've met her.
She told me that when she dies that she wants her ashes scattered.
She's coming back again.
This isn't her first time here.
She was here before.
O-kay.
Sad.
Home come?
I'll leave you with this.
One for me and one for them.
Perfect.
Thanks Denise, for sharing your son with us!