36 Days, Forwarded Emails, a Brown Bowl and a Video

I found myself searching through my email folders today.  In search of old emails from my mom-in-law.  She would always send me "forwards" and I often did not read them.  She knew that and would sometimes tell me, "I know you don't read too many of the forwards, but the so-in-so one was really good, so if you get a chance..."  Sometimes I would go back and look, most times I still did not.  I am just not a "forward" type email person.

Today's search had me looking for personal ones from her.  Regretfully, there are less than a handful. They were short and about either our summer camping plans or arranging for her to come over and help me with Josh's open house.  Oh, how I wish there were more. 

I even secretly hoped to find one that I had somehow missed and it would be new to me.  Silly, but honestly true.

Its been five weeks. 

It was normal for us to go without seeing each other for that time frame, since she lived an hour away.    Back in the day she had always called me, but I loved that she spent the last year or so calling and catching up with her son most often. If too much time went by, she would call me and tell me how much she missed me, wanting to know how everyone was doing.  And she ended every call telling me, "love you!"

Too much time has went by now.  But there are to be no more phone calls.


Time heals.The clouds will roll away and the sun will begin shining again.


There will always be little reminders of her. 

Getting my nails done yesterday, I noticed that one of the nail powder dishes was labeled in someone's penmanship "white".  Well, that was her last name. 

My mom recently told me that when a loved one is gone, you most likely will start seeing people who looked like them.  A woman came into my work about a week ago and I remember thinking, wow, she reminds me of Ethel.

When reading through the kids baby books last night, I paid very much attention to birthday and Christmas gifts that were listed as gifts from her and their papa.  I can remember each of them so well and the delight she had in giving them.

Recently searching for the perfect upcoming mother's day gift for my own mom, made me realize that last years gift to Ethel was her last.  This year we will purchase a beautiful flowering ornamental tree and plant it in her memory.  That's gonna be tough.

When I go looking through my kitchen cupboards trying to find a certain baking dish, I inevitably come across one of her dishes.  She would bring a dish or two of food over for our gatherings and always leave the dishes behind to be returned the next time we got together.  Recently, I found her old, worn, brown bowl that she had brought rolls over in for Christmas.  I remember her always having that bowl.  It is a now a treasure.

This morning, I was looking on facebook through pictures and clicked on my videos.  I had forgotten that I had posted awhile back ago, the comical video of Matthew from when he was about four.  Well, she is in most of it.  I cannot bring myself to watch it.  My heart sank a little when I seen it.

When I chose something to wear to work this morning, I pulled out a blouse that I wore to her memorial.  I wore it that day because she had commented at the holidays how much she liked it and it now reminds me of her.

I visit her facebook profile every now and then.  I recently went through every single post she had.  It made me smile to be able to "hear" her as I read her words. 

We really, really, really miss her.